Mr. Bob vs. the CCC
Don’t stop. That was the only thing on my mind that electrifying day. Looking back, I’ve figured out that it was sheer stupidity that landed me in this position. Well, I don’t want to give too much away, so, I am going to start telling you the epic story of my life.
My name is Bob. I don’t have a last name. You see, my parents didn’t believe in having last names. Something about last names making it easier for the government to track you, something like that. I have owned a bakery in a matchbox town in Oklahoma all of my life. Kenefic to be exact. Kenefic has a population of, literally 206. I really had no idea that large towns even existed until years after the story I am telling you took place. Anyway, Kenefic was known for one thing, and one thing only. Cupcakes. Every cupcake you could buy from my town was incredible! The founder of Kenefic was a cupcake fanatic. She would eat every cupcake that crossed her path. One day she ate a cupcake that was the most disgusting piece of food that she had ever gulped down. Thinking back, she decided that every cupcake she had ever had was vulgar. She determined that her mission in life was to construct the finest cupcake the world had ever known. For years she searched for the greatest ingredients. She experimented with combination after combination but nothing was good enough! Finally, when she was on her death bed, she asked God to send a magical unicorn fairy to swoop to her domain and let her witness the best recipe for a cupcake the world had ever known. I guess God decided to humor her because that is exactly what happened. (Well, that is how they tell the story around here.) In her last will and testament she shared the recipe with the town and every bakery that has ever existed in Kenefic has used her golden recipe to bake cupcakes. Life had been great ever since.
September 5. I woke up that morning with a slight uneasiness inside of me. I got out of my hammock that I slept in and I was ready to start the day. I took a shower in my old apartment thinking it would cure the butterflies that I had. It was a Monday. Monday’s usually weren’t the best days at the bakery so I assumed that was why I wasn’t feeling well, or perhaps a stomach bug. But at the same time, something wasn’t right in the small town of Kenefic. I looked out the window and everything I saw was discombobulated. Buildings were on fire, people were standing in the street in shock, and some of them even had guns. My town was in a state of panic. I ran outside as fast as my long legs would take me. It looked like I was in a zombie apocalypse first hand. I was frantically searching for a familiar face. At last I found her, Juliet Monroe. (We had been childhood friends and that’s it. But, to be honest I’ve had a crush on her for ages. No one really likes her because she despises cupcakes, but, she has never tried one of Kenefic’s famous cupcakes. She thinks because she already hates cupcakes that no matter how good we think they are, they won’t win her over. Anyway back to the story.) What caught my eye was her long, dark, wavy hair. Her olive skin looked as beautiful as it ever had and the way her amber eyes sparkled was enough to make any man drool.
“Juliet! Thank goodness I found you! What in the name of Oprah is going on?” I panted.
“Calm down Bob. Honestly I don’t see what all the fuss is-“
“TELL ME JULIET! WHAT IS GOING ON?” I interrupted.
“Okay, okay sorry. Well, apparently last night, a thief came and stole something from the town. You can probably guess what it is because the whole town is loosing their minds and I honestly don’t care at all.” She said calmly.
“What?? I don’t know? Please just tell me what everyone is so upset about. I swear if the Bonnie (the town cow) ran away again because someone stole her pink leather couch (long story) I am going to personally hunt her down and turn her into a hamburger.”
“Oh goodness no, not that silly situation again. The thief took the recipe for cupcakes,” she said.
She went on after that but I didn’t hear any words. I was devastated. I felt like bursting into a desperate cry for help. Cupcakes were my life. They were how I made money. It felt like my life was over. I assume that the expression on my face was desperation because at this point Juliet said,
“Are you okay Bob? You look like you’re best friend just got hit by a bus.”
“Juliet,” I cried. “How am I supposed to make money?! I own a cupcake bakery. How am supposed to make cupcakes now without a cupcake recipe? Wait, did the thief leave out individual recipes??”
“No, Bob. No, I don’t think he did. Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I didn’t even stop to think about you’re situation. It’s going to be okay though, I promise. Police Chief Jones has got every available unit on the case,” she said reassuringly.
“Jules, we only have two policemen in the whole town and that is including the chief. Besides, they have only had one other case in their whole careers and that was when Bonnie ran away, and I could have found her,” I said.
“How?” Juliet inquired.
“She’s a cow. Cows are fat. She left footprints and she only got about a mile out of town.”
“Well, that doesn’t matter. They are good at what they do,” she said.
“How can you say that? You are the only lawyer in town and you have never had a real case in your life!” I argued.
She became quiet and a somber expression formed on her face.
“I’m sorry. The point is, this town will have been chewed up and spit out by the time they ever do find the thief and none of us can wait that long Juliet,” I said.
“What can you do about it?” she demanded, obviously upset with me.
“I am going to go after them. I will get Jed Justice and Melony Harper to come along,” I stated.
“Jed Justice and Melony Harper? Right, because they can catch a criminal?” she smirked. She seemed oddly happy about my choice in partners.
“Listen, just because you had a thing for Jed that he didn’t share doesn’t mean that you have to be undomesticated toward him for the rest of your life. Jed is amazing. I have gone bow hunting with him before and he is an INCREDIBLE tracker, and Melony Harper. You do know that she used to work for the FBI do you not? So, naturally she would be good at tracking down a criminal.”
“Look, you can do whatever you want,” she said. “I am just watching out for you. That is probably the most stupid and dangerous thing that you could ever do in your life, but, if that’s what you want to do, then go for it.”
“You could come with us,” I offered.
“Why on earth would I want to do that? I wouldn’t risk my life for a cupcake recipe ever. Not even if my mother’s life depended on it,” she said fiercely.
I looked at her with cold, detached eyes and walked towards the home of Jed Justice.
Jed lived a little ways out of town (of course since our town was only 5 miles long it wasn’t that far of a walk). As I raised my hand to tap on the deer formed, copper door knocker, the door swung open and an anxious looking woman walked out of the doorway.
“DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK AGAIN!” Jed screamed. His tall, dark figure turned in the hallway. He saw me with his bright green eyes and said, “Oh, hi there Bob. Come in, come in! What can I do for you??”
I walked through the door frame into his Victorian style home. It was dark, as usual, and the stuffed heads on the wall are enough to scare you into another dimension. Jed owned a store you see. It was called Jed’s Store Full of Stuff. He sold basically anything and everything that anyone could ever need. His store was sort of like the Wal-Mart of Kenefic.
“Do I even want to know what that was about?” I asked.
“Some nut came in my shop asking for protection against the cupcake thief. Weirdo.”
“Actually Jed, someone did steal the recipe for cupcakes last night. That is actually what I came to see you about. I need your help,” I pleaded.
“Someone finally had the guts to do it eh? What do you need my help with?” he asked.
“I am going after the thief. You know the law enforcement around here, they couldn’t catch a criminal if he was right in front of them,” I said.
“I don’t know about that. The did find Bonnie after she ran away-“
“OH ENOUGH OF THAT! Listen, you are the best tracker in town and it would really help me out if you could come along. Plus, I am going to be asking Melony Harper to come along too,” I negotiated.
“Melony Harper. You don’t say. Well, I guess I could work it in to my schedule,” he said, pretending to skim over the calendar to his left.
I knew that would win him over. Jed had had feelings for Melony Harper ever since she moved into town, which is kind of weird considering that he didn’t want anything to do with Juliet. Melony was a beautiful woman. She had sleek blonde hair that was naturally straight. She almost always wore it up in a military style bun but it strangely suited her. She was very docile. My guess was her background in the FBI made her that way. She had very fair skin, that of a porcelain doll. Freckles covered every inch of skin on her body making her all the more interesting. Her eyes looked like two small grapes. She had violet eyes, Elizabeth Taylor eyes. They were beautiful; she was beautiful. Not to mention her British accent. It wasn’t hard to see why Jed fancied her, but I don’t think that the feeling of love was mutual.
After Jed gathered all of his tracking gear, we headed off towards Melony Harper’s home. Her house wasn’t even a two minutes walk from Jed’s house. Her house was more of the girl next door type. It was plain. White, with the windowsills all painted a bright red. She had a white picket fence in the front yard with tulips outlining it. Her cobblestone walkway was crisp and clean as usual as we walked up to the bright red door. She was a little more sophisticated than Jed with an electric doorbell that blended in with her ghostly white walls. I rang the doorbell a total of three times before she could make it to the door. The chime was rather heavenly and suspiciously Jed and I didn’t mind the five minute wait. When the door opened she caught a glimpse of me and looked startled to see the two of us outside of her house. I have to admit we probably looked rather motley.
“What can I do for you two gentlemen?” she asked, eying us conspicuously.
“Melony, I’m sure by now you have heard the tragic event that happened last night,” she nodded her head and I continued. “I need your help. As you are aware our law enforcement just cannot seem to get their act together- please don’t mention Bonnie-” she closed her mouth. “I can’t make a living without cupcakes and I have decided to go hunt down the thief. Jed is here because he is the best tracker in town and I have come to you because you obviously know how to catch a criminal considering you’re previous association with the FBI. Please, Melony, I really need your help. The fate of myself and our town just might depend on you,” I concluded.
“Well I have to admit it is rather suspicious. I mean someone had to have known that you’re bank had no security during the night. Oh, and by the way, I work- yes I am still employed- for the CIA not the FBI,” she stated intelligently.
“Okay then, is that a yes?” Jed asked rudely.
“Yes, Jed. I guess I will come with you. My unit chief just assigned me almost the exact same mission anyway. I might as well have some back up,” she said.
“Thank you so much Melony!” I said.
“No problem Bob. Where is your girlfriend? I would think she would support you in your quest,” she said.
“My girlfriend??” I asked her.
“Yes, Jill or Julie. Something like that isn’t it??”
“Juliet. She isn’t my girlfriend, we’re just friends. Besides she hates cupcakes and honestly the way she has been acting I-”
“Girl trouble eh?” Jed, once again being rude, interrupted.
“No… I was going to say she has been acting strange ever since this whole thing happened anyway,” I said.
“Okay then, let me just go collect some of my things,” Melony said, perceptibly troubled by the way Jed was acting.
In five minutes Melony reappeared with a spyish-looking outfit on and a black backpack on her shoulders. Ready to head out, we followed the road out of town in Melony’s black SUV.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“My unit chief has sent me coordinates of the suspected location of the perpetrator,” seeing our confused looks she continued. “We are going to where the thief is.”
“Oh okay. I though you were kidnapping us or something,” Jed said, apparently trying to make Melony laugh. It didn’t work.
“Right,” I said. “I don’t know what we would have done without you Melony. So where exactly does your boss think they are?”
“Using fingerprints gathered at the scene he pinpointed their position to be somewhere around 40 miles from Kenefic,” she said.
“That’s really cool. No wonder my parents didn’t like last names,” I said. Melony chuckled.
“How far away is 40 miles??” Jed asked pathetically.
“Approximately 211,200 feet, if that helps. Our E.T.A. is 1:30,” she said.
I looked at the luminescent clock in her dark car and saw that it said 1:04.
“I don’t think I have ever been that far from home,” I said. My stomach was gurgling with the same uneasy feeling I had had that morning.
I must have been really quiet because Melony asked, “Is there anything wrong Bob?”
“Oh, no. Actually, I was just wondering what we are going to do when we catch this guy,” I said.
“Guys, you mean. The thief is believed to be associated with a string of cupcake burglars that have struck all across the country. And, you don’t have to be worried about what will happen. My unit is going to meet us there. They are experts,” she said.
It was about 1:13 when we both heard Jed snore loudly from the backseat. I saw Melony tense up and curiously looked at her.
“Mr. Bob,” she said. “I have to tell you something important.”
“Okay,” I said.
“You have been the target of this gang, the CCC, Cupcake Criminals Corporation. They have been trying to hunt you down and kill you since you have been in existence and that is why I moved to Kenefic to begin with. I was assigned to your case. My father knew your father well. They were friends, you see. The founder of Kenefic was your Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother. You’re father didn’t just die a natural death, he was killed by the CCC,” she said. My heart skipped a few beats at that moment. I was dumbfounded. “That isn’t all Bob. Your mother is the leader of it. She never died at all, in fact, we have reason to believe that it was her who killed him,” she stated.
“NO! That’s not possible. Why would that be true!? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! IT IS JUST A CUPCAKE RECIPE!” I yelled.
“SHHH!” she said harshly. “We cannot wake Mr. Justice. He can’t know about this. It isn’t just a cupcake recipe. The special ingredient is special. You’re town has an extra supply of it because it is so hard and rare to acquire.”
“To be completely honest I don’t even know what the special ingredient is. I have it in a box labeled ‘special ingredient’ and that is all I have ever seen of it. Why me though?” I asked.
“The CCC seems to think that if they get rid of you, because you are the last living relative of the founder of the town, that no one will want to make cupcakes anymore. They think that if they steal the recipe that everyone will forget about them altogether,” she said.
“What do they have against cupcakes??” I wondered.
“It all started back when the founder of Kenefic, Mary Keneficas –It’s time you knew you’re last name- had a tussle with a man named Eugene Snuckle. It was all over a cow coincidentally named Bonnie. Bonnie was Mary’s cow, but Eugene decided one day that he was going to steal Bonnie. In all honesty Mary didn’t care much because she was getting sick of having a cow but she went to talk to Eugene anyway. No one really knows what went on during that conversation. All we know is that after that they were both in a race against time to see who could make a new town first. Obviously you’re ancestor won. Eugene was devastated and vowed to take revenge on Mary. He did that by turning all of his family against her famous cupcake recipe and, in doing so, formed the CCC. Their morals have changed a bit over the years and they think that their ancestor vowed to kill the last living relatives of Mary Keneficas,” she explained.
“Wow. I did not see that one coming,” I said in shock.
“Really?? I thought a smart man like you could have figured it out. Oh yeah, we also have evidence revealing that Juliet Monroe is apart of the CCC and had befriended you years ago because she was forced to by her father, Eugene Snuckle V. He legally changed her last name and left her with one of his friends in Kenefic to avoid suspicion. Unfortunately, your father fell right into his trap. We recently discovered that (cue the twilight zone music) your mother was the daughter of Eugene Snuckle IV and the sister of the recently deceased Eugene Snuckle V,” she said.
“No way. Juliet wouldn’t do that. Anyway, I’m sort of freaked out right now,” I uttered.
“Who wouldn’t be? That is what my family has been doing for the past five generations is saving your family’s behinds. And yes, Bob, I’m afraid that she would.” said Melony.
“Thanks!” I said. I was going to say more but at that moment Jed shot up groggily and made the moment extremely awkward.
“Well,” Melony said. “We are here.”
We pulled up to an old abandon warehouse (exactly the kind of building you would expect to see a criminal use). We got out of the car and Melony paused a split second to readjust her weapons.
“Here,” she said as she tossed me a gun looking device. “This will probably come in handy. You point it at your target, pull the trigger and the victim will spill his soul out to you,” she said.
“Nice!” I said, impressed with her weaponry. “Oh yes, I was going to ask you, what exactly is the secret ingredient??” I asked in a low voice because, even though Jed was lagging behind trying to figure out how to tie his shoe, I didn’t want him to hear.
“Well, we don’t exactly know. That is the main reason the CIA is involved. We think that the CCC is going to use it to create some kind of super weapon,” she said.
“Um, will that complicate things?” I asked, concerned.
“No! As long as we keep our heads we will be able to take them down,” I said.
We walked stealthily through the doorway of the warehouse.
“Here,” Melony said. “put these on.”
They were night vision goggles. I slid the goggles down my face until they reached my eyes and immediately I could see everything. Melony froze. I could tell that she was seeing exactly what I was seeing. We ran.
When we got out of the doorway I slashed the goggles off of my face so I could see where I was going. Don’t stop, I thought. (This is where we began if you remember correctly) We were approaching Jed. His eyes were downcast and he was kneeling, still trying to tie his shoes.
“JED!!!” I screamed. “RUN!! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AND RUN!”
He looked up and started screaming. He took off and instantaneously was at least 20 feet in front of Melony and me. We ran for a good five minutes and realized that there was no one chasing us anymore. We looked for Jed but he was long gone. We turned around and realized that Melony’s team had arrived and captured our pursuers. We ran back to them.
“WAIT!!!” I shouted at one of the men. “WAIT!”
“What are you doing Bob??” she asked me.
“I have to know what the secret ingredient is. I HAVE TO!” I said maniacally.
One of the suited men, who was on Melony’s team I assume, came up to me and explained that they were going to take the men (and unfortunately Juliet) into custody. They didn’t want me asking questions in an unsecured environment for my safety. I agreed and we flew by helicopter to what I assume was their headquarters.
We arrived at an expensive (it’s the government) looking building. It was black, tall and sleek, very modern looking. The door was made of glass, I noted, as we entered. The perpetrators and Juliet were already there, each in an individual cell. They asked me which one I would like to speak to first. Juliet Monroe.
“Please be careful,” Melony said. “She is very dangerous. While my team was there they discovered that your mother was no longer the head of the CCC, Juliet is.”
“I will be careful Melony, I promise. Did they find Jed yet??” I asked
“Yes, they sedated him and put him back in his home. I doubt he will remember any of this. It is probably for the better though,” she said.
“Yeah, that is for sure,” I said.
As I was heading to the door I looked back at Melony. Even in this battle-worn state she was in she was incredibly beautiful. Her violet eyes were brilliantly piercing and her waste-length blonde hair fell perfectly around her freckled face. I became conscious of my love for her. I stepped towards her, grasped her, and kissed her.
“Melony, I like you. I would like to take you out to dinner sometime soon, if that is alright with you,” I said.
“ABSOLUTELY!” she said ecstatically. “I mean, sure, that sounds like it would be a nice evening.”
She and I both chuckled. I walked through the door to the interview room with one million thing floating through my head. Debating what to ask her first I just sat down and stared at her with opaque eyes. She looked eerily content. She didn’t flinch when I came in and had been staring at me the whole time. The sparkle in her eyes didn’t seem very charming this time. Instead, it made them look haunting. Her whole appearance was different. She was wearing her hair up, she had what looked to be a uniform on. She was the picture of wickedness in my eyes.
“Hello, Bob,” she said.
“Why?” I asked her, my eyes suddenly filling with tears. “I thought you were my friend, but in actuality, our friendship was all a game to you. You wanted to kill me! My whole life meant nothing to you. All you wanted was the recipe for the cupcakes. I bet you actually stole the recipe to begin with didn’t you?”
“Yes I did, smart one. I fulfilled my role quite nicely don’t you think? I had everyone fooled. Even you,” she said.
I composed myself and said, “You are a disgusting human being and you are going to spend the rest of your life rotting in a prison cell.”
The realization must have hit her because she suddenly looked ill.
“I’m so sorry Bob,” she said.
“That isn’t going to change the fact that you are going to prison so you just need to drop the act. I’m not buying it,” I said.
“I am really serious. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I didn’t even want to steal the recipe in the first place but you’re mother made me,” she said.
“She isn’t my mother anymore. And she is you’re Aunt in case you didn’t know,” I said with disgust. Every word that was coming out of my mouth tasted bitter on my tongue.
“Whatever but you have to believe me! PLEASE!” she pleaded.
“If you are so keen on repenting, then tell me the secret ingredient in the cupcake recipe and what you were going to do with it,” I demanded.
“Okay. The secret ingredient is…”
Well, I hope you enjoyed the story. That is all that will fit in the preview column of the newspaper. What happens you may ask? That is for me to know and for you to find out by buying my new book, “Mr. BOB vs. the CCC”, available wherever books are sold.
Also, please by my complete collection of written works that describe Mr. Bob’s and Melony’s numerous adventures.
- Mr. Bob vs. The Big City
- Mr. Bob vs. Santa Clause (The Imposter)
- Mr. Bob vs. Jed Justice
- Mr. Bob vs. The Little Chinchilla That Could
More coming soon.
Stay happy :)
